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Jesse's LiveJournal:
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| Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 | | 6:35 pm |
Sure; why not?
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you. | | Friday, March 28th, 2008 | | 6:59 pm |
| | Sunday, March 16th, 2008 | | 3:23 pm |
Today
San Diego Leather Pride week is over today. It was a good event, and we have two titleholders who look to be able to do amazing things. I got asked to co-produce again next year (foolishly said yes), and we started the process of finding judges for next year. My strength this year was in helping the other producers work together better, acting as a neutral party with some tensions that came up between the others last year. They all got over their stuff by the end. This year the money, after contestant stipends and expenses, goes to Being Alive, an HIV/AIDS substance abuse rehabilitation program, and the SD Leather History Project. I had more fun than I expected with the whole affair. I'd been on the committee for the past two years as a lead volunteer.
I bought one of the contestant baskets and got a year's gym membership with 10 personal training sessions, so it looks like I'll finally start getting in shape. It's amazing to me how little stamina and body strength I have. Some of my key health issues are beginning to improve, which I mostly attribute to surrendering to my life.
I continue to progress slowly on the doctoral degree. This cohort is graduating in August, and I will join yet a third (and final) cohort to complete my studies and paper. I finally feel enthusiastic about the program, and do feel that it has enhanced my abilities as a practitioner.
I am becoming accustomed to going to an office daily. We are slowly growing our practice, and working better together. We had a business coach make some recommendations, read the book "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team" and realized that we were not operating as a team. We've shifted a lot, and things are accelerating. I just know it's going to take off soon in a big way. We put out our first newsletter, and have held two successful "acupuncture happy hours" where we offer a menu of ear acupuncture protocols, serve hot tea and let people socialize around a table. It's a lot of fun for us, and we are so happy that more than the one person we expect shows.
I am confirmed to teach for the Exiles in SF in August (15th). It fits better into my schedule than the April date I had considered. It will be on Chinese medical pervertibles. It's a fun class for me to teach. My mentor for bdsm education, Ms Cynthia, tells me regularly that I need to expand my repertoire and teach more outside southern CA. I'm presenting at Desire again this year, and Sampler. Those events just make me happy.
Tonight is the Equinox fire ceremony that my shamanism teacher leads. I am calling in South. I've never done this outside my small spiritual circles. I must admit to being a little nervous at doing something new in front of a group of strangers (to me). Welcome Spring!
I am grateful for my life as it is.
Current Music: the breeze through the trees | | Thursday, January 24th, 2008 | | 6:02 pm |
Crispy I've spent a good deal of the past two days volunteering at one of the evacuation sites with other faculty and students from the acupuncture college. We've been providing acupuncture and massage for evacuees, volunteers and anyone else with the want or need. There have been some very sad stories, a lot of fearful people, and a LOT of support everywhere. People were turned away as they had more than enough food, water, volunteers and medical staff at the site where I was located. Other sites are not so well staffed or supplied. I am fine. Dusty, dry, smoky and sweaty. And let's not forget...Tired. I am blessed. Blessed that I don't live in an endangered area that got threatened and evacuated. Blessed that I CAN and DO help. Blessed that I have the time and energy to give. Blessed that I can shed a tear for the tragedy of others. Blessed that I belong to such strong and supportive communities. Am I wrong for thinking that the sunrises and sunsets have been remarkable in color? Nature is POWERFUL. Current Mood:  gratefulCurrent Music: silence | | Monday, September 24th, 2007 | | 10:42 pm |
Jethro Tull, David Bowie and Kraftwerk were my first three albums. | | Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007 | | 7:34 pm |
Hmm Your results: You are Jean-Luc Picard| Jean-Luc Picard |
| 65% |
| Beverly Crusher |
| 65% |
| Leonard McCoy (Bones) |
| 55% |
| Geordi LaForge |
| 55% |
| Will Riker |
| 55% |
| Deanna Troi |
| 55% |
| Spock |
| 54% |
| James T. Kirk (Captain) |
| 45% |
| Mr. Sulu |
| 40% |
| Worf |
| 40% |
| Chekov |
| 35% |
| An Expendable Character (Redshirt) |
| 35% |
| Data |
| 31% |
| Uhura |
| 30% |
| Mr. Scott |
| 15% |
|
A lover of Shakespeare and other
fine literature. You have a decisive mind
and a firm hand in dealing with others.
 |
Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz | | Saturday, September 30th, 2006 | | 4:10 pm |
Today
I had an interesting reading by my "favorite" psychic. All I have to do is change my beliefs about myself fundamentally, and I won't have to repeat the sometimes painful garbage that I have been accepting as the way I am. I have been exploring the concept of unconditional love for many years, and have yet to grasp it fully, as I discover more and more the subtle and overt conditions I place on love. Much food for thought there. She also said my business partners and I shouldn't go with the space we've been looking at, and that 3 better options will come up.
I'm working with a concept given me by my counselor to work with of "I love me, Thank you for _(challenge)_. I love you." It does diffuse reaction for me.
It's time for housecleaning. Mabon ritual included letting go of that which doesn't serve, and I have been literally cleaning out my home, rearranging and getting new stuff such as art that I really like.
I need to prepare myself for the inevitable struggle of returning to the doctoral program full time in November and actually having to work hard to finish. Its four 5-month trimesters scheduled to finish in June '08.
I want to finish the J3A this next class.
I want to be a good partner, friend, Daddy, mentor and doctor.
I want a cat, which means I have to move. I like moving,and have been in the same place for 5 years, and in SD for over 9 years, which is 5 years longer than I planned.
I have good friends, family and support.
I am blessed. | | Sunday, August 13th, 2006 | | 10:50 am |
| | 10:49 am |
| | Sunday, November 6th, 2005 | | 11:05 pm |
Some Catching Up Acupuncture conference this weekend. It was good to see former classmates and colleagues. Attended some interesting lectures in my area of specialty. None of the vendors was particulary spectacular, nor where there any deals too good to resist. I did try this mat made of tubes filled with amethyst crystal pieces, with gold ends, and warmed with infrared. Very comforting. Very expensive - $1,600. Maybe when the office opens. It was good to be back at J3A in October. The presenters were fun and interesting. I had missed my other family, and felt warm and welcome when L said "welcome home" as he let me in the gate. The whole weekend put a smile on my face. Got to see DE...not as much fun as we've had in the past, but neither of us was really up to being on top. I took needles for the first time in years, and was thankful for her exquisite use of energy when putting them in, so that I hardly felt them. One of those things I don't think I like cuz I think it will hurt too much in the way I don't like. Supervising in the clinic is good, but would rather supervise interns than assistants. Good group of students, and they seem to be good at reasoning diagnosis and treatment. But the point location needs a lot of work. I truly do appreciate people who will allow students to treat them. Time to bite the bullet and return to the doctoral program in January. They made the format much more do-able for me...one 4 day weekend a month. I don't have to do anything but the clinic shift for the first semester. I need to figure out a way to enjoy writing and research, but it just makes me feel overwhelmed. The gf thing is having its ups and downs. We have a fundamental difference that may not be workable. When it's good its great. When we talk about what we each want/need, we speak different languages...not conducive to a successful relationship. But I will keep open minded and open hearted until it is clear we can't work it out. No harm, no foul in this one. It does hurt to have such strong feelings of love and familiarity, and to know that it may not work. Last play party was good...got to see good friends and family. Always good to reconnect. Current Mood:  frustrated | | Thursday, September 29th, 2005 | | 6:57 pm |
A short break! I find myself with a couple of days to catch up with myself. It's wonderfully unusual. I've gone grocery shopping for the first time in a month? two? I'm cooking dinner - coq au vin. I've done some laundry. I bought a pillow to replace one of those I lost in Vegas after Ms World. (Yes, I always took my pillows with me when I travel, and lost them this last time. I guess it really is time to let go of the past. I'd had them since I was 2!) I have been working on opening an office with two acupuncture colleagues. We're aiming for January or February. Trying to find a space that works sucks. Our business plan looks like a book. G has an MD from a school in Australia, so he can't practice Western Medicine here, and P is a Pharmacist. They are both also Acupuncturists. My specialty in immune disorders makes me an expert in that area. We are all a bit detail-oriented and should work together well. Need to do a little more work on my sections of the business plan. I'm supervising students in the acupuncture school's clinic this semester, in lieu of teaching. This is a wonderful way to learn to share what I know and help students to create their relationship to practicing medicine. I waited until I had been practicing for 5 years before agreeing to supervise in the clinic. I will substitute a few classes in a western medical class, which should be a good challenge. Took another semester off from the doctoral program. The new class starts in January, and I should be able to mix with them to finish my classes, as well as review the Medical Chinese we have to learn. I ended up getting a bit of a cold, which made K and me take a little time off from each other. We both realized that trying to accomplish a year of a relationship in a month is exhausting. It's time to slow down and get to know each other better. The feelings are so strong, her essence so familiar. I still can't believe it's true. Somebody pinch me to make sure this isn't all a dream... Current Mood: content | | Friday, September 16th, 2005 | | 7:29 pm |
| Your Inner Child Is Naughty | 
Like a child, you tend to discount social rules.
It's just too much fun to break the rules!
You love trouble - and it seems that trouble loves you.
And no matter what, you refuse to grow up! |
| | Thursday, September 15th, 2005 | | 11:36 pm |
I need to post more often. So much happens and I just don't make the time to write. A month ago, when I wasn't looking, someone fell into my heart. She was just teasing me at first, then she kissed me, then she kissed me again. We kissed a lot that evening at the bar, then again the next evening at a party. A few days later, it became clear that we really like each other. The connection is deep. Interesting that it is not frightening, although I do have trouble with trust given my past two miserable choices...one for love and one for play only...who turned out to be liars, users, and emotionally devastating. She is soo not that way at all, and I am being cautious, but open to the possibility that this could be good. We started out the week before we kissed doing healing work with one another...a trade. I got to look into her and she into me. I didn't think anything more of it. Didn't even get that she had an interest in women, let alone attraction for me. Is it really possible that all the happiness I have felt in my life for the past year could remain? Could I find happiness with another, or will my fears and self-sabotage get the better of me? In the meantime, it feels good. We communicate and have a system set up for taking care of and reassuring each other when buttons get pushed. It doesn't feel like one of those too good to be true things, just a heck of a lot of fun with someone who feels very special. Current Mood: good | | Sunday, August 14th, 2005 | | 4:03 pm |
Sad Every once in a while I go onto Zaba search and look for people I have "misplaced" in my life. Today, after some very interesting soul retreival work, I got a wild hair to do such a search. I have wondered for some time what happened to the last love of my life, Nancy C. Thompson, aka Zia Avila. She is the person from whom I took my last name of Avila to go with Jesse. We spent 7 years together, some as play partners and several engaged to be married, waiting for Hawaii to get that law passed that would make it legal. She had some serious physical (cancer and "fibromyalgia) and mental health (Dissociative Identity Disorder and Schitzo-affective d/o) issues, and disappeared from my life in 1998. I cried for days when we ended our formal relationship, although we continued to live together...had to make it as right as possible by each other. We did this for 6 months, then she had to go. I have wondered about her for years, never finding a way to find or connect with her. So, today I typed in her name, Zia Avila, and found out that she died of cancer on 12/1/04, one week after her 51st birthday. I knew she was dead, just didn't know how, when or where...somewhere in Ohio. Now I know. Nancy...Zia...I love you. May I find another love in my life as great as you, with your capacity for love, forgiveness, gratitude and peace. Thank you for making me a better person and bringing me to California so that I could attend acupuncture school and find my own healing path. Thank you for having the strength to leave so I could grow. Current Mood:  sadCurrent Music: silence | | Thursday, August 11th, 2005 | | 9:26 am |
What Have I Done?!
Life continues to fly by at a furious pace, and in my flight, I have found myself jumping head first into ...both another time-consuming event and a Title.
Yes, this past weekend I competed in, and won, the Southern California Leather Woman contest. I knew in my gut if I competed I would win. Arrogance? you think. No, just knowing. And an extra-ordinarily accurate psychic (100% so far for over 2 years).
I didn't get nervous until the day before...for a number of reasons. Those lovely people who performed my "fantasy" section with me, J & K, and I didn't get together to rehearse until the day before the contest. The fantasy came to mind months ago while relaxing during an acupuncture, then someone of brilliant mind fine-tuned it into a hot fantasy. Of course, I, who have never actually fought someone with a sword, wanted a sword-fight section, which I would win. Practicing a slow-moving Tai Chi sword set and sword fighting really don't have much in common. But, we choreographed one anyway, and with some brilliant fine-tuning from D & T, along with costuming, we managed to pull it off. We rehearsed a total of 5 times in 2 days, 2 of those on the actual 10x10 stage in the venue. A tribute to my good dumb luck!
Thankfully, the audience liked the fantasy, and that's what tipped the scales in my favor, because, you see, it was a popularity contest. The audience got to pick the winner. So now, I am Southern California Leather Woman 2005. What that means is that at least once every 10 days I must travel somewhere in So Cal and network. The producer, who is another story entirely, is paying for my gas. That was really one of the things that was a strong "pro" for running. That and the fact that I don't have to do any fundraising of my own.
I was so pleasantly surprised to see a group of my dear friends had made it to the contest to support me! It brought a tear to my eye...knowing the effort they made for me.
The time-consuming event is Western Boy Run. Why is it time-consuming when I wasn't even supposed to be involved, except as a participant? Essentially, the person in charge disappeared into the night and left a very upset group of boys ready to walk. With a little encouragement, I tried to empower them to take over the event and make it their success. And they are! But I do get to help. Yes, I am taking registrations and helping to encourage, organize and focus them to keep going and just do it. I'm so proud of each and every one.
Did I mention I'm still in graduate school? Fortunately, there is only one class and one clinic shift I can take, so it won't be a difficult semester. I'm not teaching this semester, which is good, although I may end up supervising a clinic shift with 4 interns.
And I am opening up an office with two colleagues, both of whom are doctoral level practitioners. And yes, I am still seeing patients 3-4 days per week. Thank the goddess I don't have a personal life! A healthy social life, yes, but no relationship.
So, my travel schedule begins. I had fortunately made arrangements to not be at Journeymans this month, as it turns out for a different reason than originally believed. This weekend I am in LA to MC a fundraiser. The following weekend is Western Boy Run here in San Diego.
And the following weekend is Ms World Leather, where I will work as a volunteer, and somewhere during the weekend receive my Master's Cover from my friend and mentor, Daddy Jo Blas. For that, I must present Jo with a written document of what this means, receive 100 lashes from a single-tail from several people of Her choosing, then put on all of my leathers and present verbally the meaning of earning and receiving a Master's Cover. Any and everyone will be invited to attend, friend and "enemy" alike, to witness this rite of passage.
I'll be ready for a vacation this time next year...lol | | Friday, July 15th, 2005 | | 3:18 pm |
Catching up
So much happening, and so little time to tell about it. Last month's Journeyman III Academy was pretty amazing for me... Friday evening on service for receptions by L'Varado, a sweet man, Saturday with Sybil Holiday and Bill Henken and Sunday with Sybil. I'd never read their book, and in fact have not read most of the books on our list. Something good about going over the basics again. During that weekend I hit a place of extreme self-doubt and huge feelings of being a fraud. I was relieved to be able to express it, and remembered Vi and Jo smiling at me and telling me I am just where I need to be and doing what I need to do. It's all happening in spite of myself. Mind you, this all started when Jo mentioned to me that I will be receiving my Master's cap at World in August, and that I should prepare.
I sometimes wish the formality and protocol would increase to a level that truly makes me feel like I belong to the Academy, and not just a participant...if that makes any sense. It is getting better.
This month's Academy Friday brought some amazing women talking about ptotocol and their journey though the Journeyman II Academy. Saturday we spent spit-shining a pair of boots that have to pass by being shiny enough to reflect the face of a quarter all around the edge. I put 8 base layers, and 3 shine layers. Never had time to buff them on Saturday, after 7 or 8 hours of waxing and shining. My boots have an interesting texture. I found them at a local army surplus store. They're German military boots. The head of the Academy doesn't like them...doesn't like the texturing. I buffed the boots Saturday night, and took them back Sunday and they very nearly passed, but for one section on the instep along the seam. So, I have another month to get them just right, and not mess up the shine. Much as he doesn't like them, once that area is fixed, he will pass them. A friend loaned me pillowcases to bring them home in. Lee says any boots can be shined, so I know I can do it.
Sunday was a review of Reiki I for me. I first learned and was attuned to it 18 years ago. I use it in a pretty different way than the formalized training. I have used it at hospice to help people pass, and I have used it to heal burns, wounds, neurological conditions, every treatment I do uses it. I had been cranky all weekend, not feeling the least bit patient about anything. After getting it from V my headache went away and my spirit lightened. Why don't I get more treatments from people?
DE was sick when I got to her house Sunday, but, as usual, she had a lovely dinner prepared, lamb shanks with turnips and carrots, almost like a stew. I brought wine and ice cream...b&j Cherries Garcia. It was a hit for the sick girl. I cleaned the kitchen, gave her a tx and read until I was sleepy. Monday she made me coffee and breakfast, and we stayed around the house as she still was not well. She read me a new hot short story, that perhaps I can imitate some time...hmmm. It was good to spend some different kind of time together. She will come to SD at the end of the month to visit. We will make a party for her...what fun that will be.
I submitted my application for Ms So Cal Leather Woman contest. Funny, there was no emotion attached to it, it's just the thing I feel I need to do now. I have a few weeks to really decide if I'm going to go through with it...have a cool fantasy in mind that the "Pride," one of my families, is willing to help me put together.
Current Music: quiet | | Monday, June 6th, 2005 | | 2:22 pm |
Life is Good I have had a couple of weeks now to recover from all those things I had to do. Now is time to be. I've been preparing to test for my Brown fringe level in Tai Chi...the equivalent of the brown belt of hard martial arts forms. Instead of changing belt colors, we add a colored fringe to a blue belt. There are three forms I must perform, a hand set that combines Chen, Yang and Wu styles, a straight sword set, and a fan set that mirrors the fan set from a few levels back. There is a component of tai chi called push hands. This is like grappling or sparring in other forms. I have been amazed at the power my body has, not at all obvious from looking at me. I am always amused at the laughs I get when I say I am butch. Little do people know that I have taken on and won matches with some who practice hard martial arts form with higher ranking. Anyway, I am about two weeks away from taking my test...practice, practice, practice. The feedback from Desire has been tremendous, with friends all over saying how highly praised our event has been. I spent most of Memorial Day weekend vegging out on the couch "catching up" on mindless television and movies. Went to see a musical, Sweeny Todd, which was very well done by high school students. I think I caught up on my rest. This past weekend was the Southern CA Leather Gathering. It was my first opportunity to attend. A sweet friend, CC, invited me to spend the weekend with her and we went together, along with a great boy I had the pleasure to meet, who cooked for us. You rock, BR. I love just sitting in the sun, socializing and eating. It was a fun event. I am often surprised by how many people I have gotten to know, and how many people have a great deal of my respect in this lifestyle. Preparing for this coming weekend's Journeyman III Academy followed by time with dear DE in the Bay area. What a HOT play partner she is! Sybil Holliday is our presenter this weekend. I love my trips to the Bay area, time to spend with the many friends I am acquiring there. Life is good. Current Mood: happyCurrent Music: movie...Groundhog Day | | Tuesday, May 24th, 2005 | | 10:56 am |
Wow!
This past month has been full of insanity for me...first I had to produce Boyfest. The Chairperson acquired an overwhelming work schedule, then health issues. Then the president of the Club got a severe respiratory infection and was confined to bed. The treasurer said that she was working on a future event and wouldn't help. So the VP helped me some. Boyfest is a contest in which two titleholders are chosen: SD Leather Daddy and Leather boy.
The following weekend was my Journeyman III Academy weekend with Frank Strona. While the previous month we cried and released, this month we laughed a lot and bonded in a different way. Frank is a wonderful man and a great teacher.
And all the while Desire: Leather Women Unleashed needed my full attention...getting the programs done, acquiring shade tarps, first aid and DM equipment, and getting the play equipment for the facility we'd rented for the event. Thank god for those generous folk who helped! And the reality is, I didn't do the bulk of the work to put on this event Three of us produced this event, with lots of support, and at the end of the very successful weekend we are still friends. Friends who have learned a LOT from our first attempt at an event we hope to hold annually.
The end result was totally amazing. As Vi Johnson put it, "A cup of coffee and a naked woman walking by my door first thing in the morning is a beautiful way to start the day." The presenters all had positive things to say and want to return, and the only complaint from anyone was that it was too hot and we should do it earlier in the year. Our goal has been end of April/beginning of May...this was the only weekend we could get the resort this year.
Many of my support people read this...thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
So, suddenly I have nothing to do...hmmm, maybe I'll actually have some time to find some trouble.
Oh, yeah, right, I'm opening an office with a colleague. I guess I still have plenty to do, but I still have time for trouble... | | Thursday, April 28th, 2005 | | 4:32 pm |
Avatar Last night I had the honor to teach a workshop at Avatar in LA. It's my "standard" Chinese Medical Pervertibles. What I always forget is that it may be old hat to me, but new and interesting to others who are seeing it for the first time. A man I greatly respect, a western MD and president of the group, L, watched as though mesmerized, nodding approval throughout. It went quickly, having to fit 2 hours of material into 1 1/2 hours. I feel like I'm on speed when I'm doing this. My demo model was a real trooper and even let me put a needle through his foot. Thank you J! The audience was one of those wicked groups of instigators who wanted to learn as much as possible and have me do as much as possible all to the nth degree. What a rush. As much as I feel that I don't like to be on stage, I sure do get jazzed when I teach. So many people with so much enthusiasm all in one place...there's nothing like it! I am truly thankful for the many wonderful loving, generous, kind friends I have somehow managed to bring into my life. I am truly blessed. Thank you all for the honor of having you in my life. Current Mood: good | | Monday, April 25th, 2005 | | 10:11 am |
energy pull This past Saturday I attended my third hook and energy pull. It was dramatically different for me this time. I made some good changes surrounding it and did it for ME. I went alone. I had a support system in place, one that just came up out of just knowing that I would be taken care of by the universe. Instead, I was taken care of by a dear friend, a new play acquaintance that I am getting to know better, and a hottt woman who is in both the LA and SD scenes. First, I was late getting there. This enabled me to not eat beforehand, as they recommend a good protein breakfast. Being late didn't really matter, as I was only 20 minutes late. I ate a protein bar during the intro section, then a little later a banana. I realized that I am sooo grounded in this reality, that to get out I needed to do the "ascetic" thing and fast. There is a very good reason for fasting before ritual. We did some intention setting and an energy ritual with someone. We did another ritual with someone we did not know. They asked if anyone had not pierced themselves before. Damn, sometimes I hate my honesty. I raised my hand and asked "does an acupuncture needle count?" Of course not...sigh. So, those of us who had never pierced ourselves before had to do so with a 19 guage needle...a little thick for my liking. This was a huge personal challenge, but Fakir helped me through it and I did it. We first got two piercings with 19 guage needles...thankfully, I didn't have to do the second piercing on myself. They placed rubberbands attached to string on the needles. We partnered up and pulled on each other for a while. These needles were removed then the piercings with the 14 guage hooks occurred. I have recently "discovered" that I have gone around thinking my life "issues" are with my 5th chakra, but was hit over the head with the understanding that of course it is really my 3rd that needs the most work. So, in addition to the hooks above the breasts, placed to open the 4th (Heart) chakra, I had my 3rd and 6th chakras pierced. I did not do the skewer through the cheeks. After having string attached to the hooks, I hooked myself onto a rope attached to a chain attached to a frame. I had the sudden realization that I was indeed alone and responsible for no one but myself. The last time I went to the pull with F & C, I took someone who spontaneously decided to try it herself, and in essence abandoned me...and left me to feel that I had to care for her at least energetically the whole time. It altered my intent dramatically. Hence, the decision to do it alone. I went through a period of lightheadedness, and had an acute sense of my bare feet going numb dancing on the cement floor. I felt my body pull on the rope with the hooks, the soreness increasing then fading, my feet going numb, then that feeling disappearing into something else. Others were hooked into the same frame and as one pulled and danced and swayed, others could feel the sensation of the movements of all hooked into the same frame. I kept my eyes closed a lot, noticing my body moving, noticing the hooks in my chest, feeling excruciating ache in my 3rd eye chakra between my eyes, which later faded and became a huge ache in my 3rd chakra. People had arrived to do drumming and with rattles. My support people arrived and rattled energetically around me as I was hooked into a "solitary" station. I felt them, felt the energy rise, saw my friends dancing around me shift and change each time I thought to open my eyes and reconnect to the room for a moment. All the pain and discomfort went away, and the feeling of unconditional love I had asked for at the beginning when I set my intent washed upon me. That oneness with all was there if just for a fleeting instant, long enough. I bled several times from the right hook during the dance at one point dripping onto the floor when we were all hooked into a central ring and pulling on each other. I asked one of the guides to pull on me for a while, knowing she would challenge me with my pain limits...or did I have any at that moment? I looked into her eyes as she pulled hard, I could feel the growl come out of me, the big cat released into the room. There was no pain, just joy. At the end of the dancing as we stood in circle and the directions were released, when North and Kali were released, the picture of Kali fell off the wall knocking over a vase of flowers on the altar. Inana who had possessed a friend during the ritual also left at that moment. My support team got me to a shower, dinner and two play parties afterward. I had asked for a light bottoming scene, and got just what I needed. I love my life, especially when I just let go and let it happen. Current Mood: peacefulCurrent Music: silence |
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